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26 February 2013 @ 02:50 am
First Post - also I don't remember how to do an LJ cut, sorry it's so long.  
I'm pretty much going to use this as my first post and hide all my posts from before because I want to start over, OK? OK! Now let me tell you what happened to me LJ.

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Well, way before I stopped posting here, I used to have a YouTube channel where I did reviews on make-up by M.A.C. and other companies (M.A.C. mostly and then MUFE). I did comparisons a few products to see which was better than the other, I did reviews on certain products and I generally learned a lot about make-up. I was actually getting a decent following and I was having a grand ol' time being selfish, and vapid, and a little one-dimensional. It was loads of fun, but then my mother got sick.

She was sick before, she had Type-2 Diabetes which my family and I had all learned to live with and it was manageable but now she started suffering from Acute Renal Failure and was pretty much bed ridden sick. So I stopped v-logging on my channel. I pushed one of my closest friends away, though I didn't realize it at the time. I stopped going to school. I stopped working as much. I rarely went out with my friends and when I did, I put on my happy face and pretended everything was fine. I pretty much stopped everything, my whole life was put on hold. I sorta stopped caring about anyone and anything. I just existed. My whole life was now being used to take care of her almost 24/7 and boy did I resent it.

A lot. I wasn't going to school, I wasn't working. I was depressed.

I didn't realize it then though, but I was being selfish, vapid and one-dimensional at the time. Sooo, yeah. -I think I did post here once in a while, not often and mostly via. twitter and you all know how insightful I can be on twitter (not very in case you didn't).

So that was my life, pretty much just taking care of my mother. I tried doing other things, like growing my orchids (all of which are terribly starved at the moment btw) and I got a cat, Butterscotch (eventually got two more but that was later on)! I love those cats more than anything else in the world right now. Anyway, during this time I still wasn't doing anything so my sister, who is a manager for a retail store got me a job. I still have this job and since I'm not allowed to say anything negative about them through any kind of social media those of you who don't know where I work, never will and those that know, know why I hate it there. You should not motivate your employees through fear, that's all I'm sayin'.

But it wasn't until a couple of years later, right around when I got that job did my mother have to go to the hospital after receiving a blood infection from dialysis. During that time, my sister, the one that got me the job, spent a lot of time with our mother. She would spend the night at the hospital and when she couldn't go, which was only once in a while, I would stay the night. My sister became really attached to my mother at the time. I could see it was affecting her negatively and then she was constantly getting phone calls from our family in Trinidad asking about our mother.

This was about the time when I called one of my aunts retarded on Facebook. This aunt, Wendy, kept calling my sister at work, asking about our mother and my sister was honestly beginning to fray around the edges because of this. So the next time she called I picked up the phone instead of my sister and politely said, "Aunty Wendy, can you please stop calling D-- at work, it's upsetting her." Normally, you would think the response would go somewhere along the lines of, "Of course Desiree, I'll try to be more conscious of the times I call." Or something of that nature but instead she just hung up on me. I was flabbergasted as to her reaction! I know I wasn't as close to my mother's family as my older siblings since we moved to the US when I was really young but she honestly didn't have to react like that. So I posted that she was being a retard on Facebook. Of course that was the time when her daughters sent me a very nasty "anonymous" letter (which I wish I kept so you could read it now). I love how they thought they were being so clever, I just called your mother retarded and then I get a nasty, anonymous letter...I wonder who it's from!? I guess being retarded must run in that family. The letter, honestly, was stupid but I actually gave it to my entire family to read and it didn't really affect me, I was a little angry but it was a laughable anger until it made my niece cry. That was the breaking point where I stopped talking to family from Trinidad. How dare they make her cry. To this day, they fact that it made her cry, makes me angry. (and I want to smash things... ok, that was a joke-laugh!)

Anyway, while my mother was in the hospital she suffered from dementia, which I believe was a side effect of the medicine she was taking and she had bedsores all over her back and buttocks from the nurses not moving her as they should have. It went on like that for a little while. The sores weren't getting better, neither was the infection and the longer she stayed on her meds, the worse her dementia got. At one point, she died...twice. The doctors and nurses were able to bring her back both times but that was when her primary doctor recommended long term care. A place she made my sisters and I promise never to take her, but honestly, we couldn't take her home and the hospital couldn't keep her anymore because her doctor said there was nothing he could really do for her anymore. We were left with no other choice.

When she got to the facility, my sisters would constantly ask me to go and I'd always make excuses, "I have to pick Matt and Steve up from school." "Oh, I'm making dinner tonight." "I haven't showered yet, it'll take me forever to get ready, I'll go tomorrow." Finally they forced me to go and when I saw her laying in that bed, attached to all those tubes, in the corner of that dim room, with the one, small window on the opposite side of the room that she shared with three other patients; that's when I lost it.

Days passed. I have to admit, it's all a blur.

From that moment, I have no real, concrete memories of what happened. When I think back, my memories seem almost water-colored. I can almost grasp specific events but they would become muddled with a dozen other memories as soon as I tried to concentrate. I remember being in the room but I don't remember if I was there when she passed or not. I know she held on for several more days, she waited and made sure all my brothers and sisters (all six of them) said their goodbyes and that's when she faded off.

I do member the funeral though. Two of my closest friends came and you know what, they showed more emotion and love towards my mother than her family that came, showed. I can honestly say I love my friends more than I love most of my mother's relatives.
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rebe: girl on firesmithereen on February 27th, 2013 12:57 am (UTC)
I'm really sorry about your mom. :(
under constructiontkappleton on March 3rd, 2013 05:38 pm (UTC)
:-( I didn't know any of this. I am so sorry.